In honor of fall coming to save us from our skinny misery (hot but terrible), here’s a list of our favorite foods that we can eat shamelessly once more, now that sweater weather is upon us.
1. French Fries
Fuck, french fries are so good, you guys. Like, we’ve taken a starchy vegetable meant to tide over Irish peasants in winter, fried it, and topped it with salt and like, more fat. The result is an unholy abomination and curse upon mankind, probs singlehandedly responsible for the obesity epidemic in America. But it tastes super good and you can have it again.
Like sex, pizza is good even when it isn’t great. Carbs plus cheese plus minimal vegetable intrusion sounds like a stellar 400+ calorie meal to me. As an adult, you should be able to finish off an entire pie by yourself. Now that summer is over, you can practice once more.
3. Cheese In All Forms
How could cheese NOT be on this list? I assume, like me, you’ve all been avoiding the fancy cheese section at the grocery store all summer. Now that we can cover ourselves in shapeless sweaters and sweatpants, cheese returns to our lives like an on-again, off-again fuckboy. Artisan cheddar, creamy gouda, tangy blue—we love you all and invite you into our hearts… and arteries.
4. Apple Pie With Crumbly Topping
Apple pie is great. Apple pie topped with that crusty, sweet, crunchy brown sugar topping is even better. Yeah, it totally raises the calories for a normal apple pie by like double, but can you put a number on happiness? You can’t.
5. Tater Tots
You know what are even better than french fries? Tater tots. Weighing in at more calories than we care to disclose, these fluffy balls of potato are great on their own, covered in cheese, or as a base for tater tot nachos. There’s no god.
6. Taco Bell
If you don’t like Taco Bell, then fuck you. Honestly, this is the king of all fast food establishments and tastes amazing whether you’re hungover, super high, or just had a shitty day. Nothing fills the belly quite like a Quesarito—so much so that we forget that a Quesarito is not an actual food item and has no business existing. Taco Bell just does that for us—it makes pretending okay and makes calories not hurt so bad.
Is there anything that makes you happier than carbs wrapped in a blanket of sauce, wrapped in a blanket of melted cheese? Me either, which is v depressing but we can’t get into that now. Fall is the perf season to carbo-load, and pasta is the ultimate answer.
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